
<p><strong>Intizor Otaniyozova</strong> is a multidisciplinary artist based in Central Asia. Her research focuses on identity, ecology, feminism and Beyoncé. She has participated in exhibitions in Asia and Europe and has published literary works. Her debut feature-length documentary film <em>Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Side Chicks</em> is currently in development.</p>


Intizor Otaniyozova


<p>I have been disoriented for so long</p>



<p>At this point, it&#8217;s a statement</p>



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-two-images-block"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-180x300.png 180w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-614x1024.png 614w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-473x788.png 473w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-608x1013.png 608w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-675x1125.png 675w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-810x1350.png 810w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-1080x1800.png 1080w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad-1181x1969.png 1181w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad.png 1275w" data-sizes="auto" width="1275" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-180x300.png 180w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-614x1024.png 614w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-473x788.png 473w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-608x1013.png 608w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-675x1125.png 675w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-810x1350.png 810w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-1080x1800.png 1080w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2-1181x1969.png 1181w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad2.png 1275w" data-sizes="auto" width="1275" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



<p>I hate the road, never wanted to explore the world</p>



<p>Yet there is no other way to provoke a certain feeling</p>



<p>I’m homeless for real, nothing for me to lose</p>



<p>I want to get lost completely, no excuses</p>



<p>Highest level of freedom. I&#8217;m flying</p>



<p>Wild, raw, honest. A heartbreak at its finest</p>



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-two-images-block"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-180x300.png 180w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-614x1024.png 614w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-473x788.png 473w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-608x1013.png 608w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-675x1125.png 675w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-810x1350.png 810w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-1080x1800.png 1080w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3-1181x1969.png 1181w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad3.png 1275w" data-sizes="auto" width="1275" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-180x300.png 180w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-614x1024.png 614w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-473x788.png 473w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-608x1013.png 608w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-675x1125.png 675w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-810x1350.png 810w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-1080x1800.png 1080w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4-1181x1969.png 1181w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad4.png 1275w" data-sizes="auto" width="1275" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



<p>Borders are everywhere when</p>



<p>Home is a forbidden place</p>



<p>When native land means soil</p>



<p>Soaked in blood, tears and fear</p>



<p>In horrors, I walk there barefoot</p>



<p>&#8220;Be quiet, no screams, hide your emotions&#8221;</p>



<p>My ancestors ran for a reason</p>



<p>Some fought for a reason; they died&nbsp;</p>



<p>I’m not stupid, I’m not going back</p>



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-two-images-block"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-180x300.png 180w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-614x1024.png 614w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-473x788.png 473w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-608x1013.png 608w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-675x1125.png 675w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-810x1350.png 810w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-1080x1800.png 1080w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5-1181x1969.png 1181w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad5.png 1275w" data-sizes="auto" width="1275" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-180x300.png 180w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-614x1024.png 614w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-473x788.png 473w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-608x1013.png 608w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-675x1125.png 675w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-810x1350.png 810w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-1080x1800.png 1080w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1-1181x1969.png 1181w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad6-1.png 1275w" data-sizes="auto" width="1275" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



<p>“Re-education camps” are 5 hours away from Almaty</p>



<p>I repeat this line over and over</p>



<p>I try to survive and digest it, find a place in daily life</p>



<p>I look normal again, the panic has gone</p>



<p>Then – doing an ordinary random task</p>



<p>While washing dishes, for example</p>



<p>Everyone washes dishes, right?</p>



<p>Anyway, I&#8217;m taking the second plate</p>



<p>Soapy water — suddenly words in my head:</p>



<p>“Right at this moment people are tortured”</p>



<p>The clocks are ticking, then boom!</p>



<p>A never-ending reminder can make a person mad</p>



<p>Why does nothing change when it comes to Uyghurs?</p>



<p>The whole world just nicely observes</p>



<p>In other words, I hate you, yes, you</p>



<p>What are you staring at exactly, creep?</p>



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-two-images-block"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-194x300.png 194w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-663x1024.png 663w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-510x788.png 510w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-655x1013.png 655w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-728x1125.png 728w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-874x1350.png 874w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-1165x1800.png 1165w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7-1274x1969.png 1274w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad7.png 1375w" data-sizes="auto" width="1375" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-194x300.png 194w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-663x1024.png 663w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-510x788.png 510w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-655x1013.png 655w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-728x1125.png 728w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-874x1350.png 874w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-1165x1800.png 1165w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8-1274x1969.png 1274w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad8.png 1375w" data-sizes="auto" width="1375" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



<p>Been such a good runner when I run from fear</p>



<p>In fact, the fastest girl. Nobody from nowhere</p>



<p>Some games can not be won by design</p>



<p>In a way, realizing that calmed me</p>



<p>Appointed meetings with all scary ghosts</p>



<p>&#8220;Hello, nice to meet ya.&#8221; &#8220;How do you do?&#8221;</p>



<p>I wish we started with goodbye instead</p>



<p>What&#8217;s the meaning of the game, though?</p>



<p>Acceptance is both a curse and a blessing</p>



<p>Breathe in and out. It will be easier one day</p>



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-two-images-block"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-247x300.png 247w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-843x1024.png 843w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-649x788.png 649w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-834x1013.png 834w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-926x1125.png 926w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-1112x1350.png 1112w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-1482x1800.png 1482w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9-1622x1969.png 1622w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad9.png 1750w" data-sizes="auto" width="1750" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10.png" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-150x150.png 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-247x300.png 247w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-843x1024.png 843w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-649x788.png 649w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-834x1013.png 834w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-926x1125.png 926w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-1112x1350.png 1112w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-1482x1800.png 1482w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10-1622x1969.png 1622w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/kaardid-vaiksemad10.png 1750w" data-sizes="auto" width="1750" height="2125" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



<p><em>Journey to Nowhere</em> was created during fellowship organized by Babalar Press, a Qazaq experimental research, writing and publishing initiative. All parts will be printed in their zine in 2025.</p>


kaardid väiksemad2

Looking for Localities

Journey to Nowhere

A Shade Colder is a platform for discussions about and around art in Estonia and beyond.