Rebecca Jagoe is an autistic artist, writer and editor based in Wales. Working across objects, drawing, textiles, printed texts, performance, and workshops, their practice variously explores the ideological construction of monstrosity and madness in Western culture; the relationship between clothing, illness, and gender; and human intimacy with other-than-humans. They are currently on the Freelands Fellowship at g39 in Cardiff, where they are researching the traces of animistic thought found in late Medieval European languages.

Rebecca Jagoe

<h2 class="wp-block-heading">1. </h2>



 how do ye fele? how do you feel?&nbsp;



 un-mored, ye saye unmoored, you say&nbsp;



 un-mored, as in, a bote floten on a bodie of watere, a solid driften arounde unmoored, as in, a boat floating on a body of water, a solid drifting around on a liquyd, thyngs that held ye in the worlde, sutured ye in-to tyme &amp; nou &amp; on a liquid, things that held you in the world, sutured you into time &amp; now &amp; [a) leave house twice a week at most b) rigid structure to day c) world predictable &amp; knowable &amp; infinitely repeatable (running stitch) d) empty lack of people &#8211; stability &amp; predictability &amp; safety e) low chance of balance being upset f) routine is emotional regulation g) you are trying to become solid, calcified, in &#8211; &#8211; &#8211; like a rock? no a fossil (sexy fossil)] nou now &amp; nou &amp; now gon, dissolv’d, yforsopied, al to grotes [routine] gone, dissolved, disintegrated, all to tiny pieces&nbsp;



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tyme expansiv, voide, an unlefliche preuelage but also – unmored time expansive, empty, an unbelievable privilege but also – unmoored&nbsp;



 here is the &#8211; &#8211; &#8211; firstli here is the &#8211; &#8211; &#8211; first of all&nbsp; saye to yoreselfe, iyam a bagge, a sak, of wett, ai, al-wayes, lekinge, iyam ai say to yourself, i am a bag of liquid, ever, always, leaking, i am eternally a porus bagge of watere, pisse &amp; shite &amp; shite &amp; teres &amp; squyrt &amp; pisse &amp; a porous bag of water, piss &amp; shit &amp; shit &amp; tears &amp; squirt &amp; piss &amp; 



mucis &amp; slet &amp; mucis mucis slet pisse blod blod, blod &amp; pisse mucus &amp; snot &amp; mucus mucus snot piss blood blood, blood &amp; piss 



saye to yoreselfe iyam not a solide iyam wett &amp; this is gode and sexie and say to yourself i am not a solid i am wet &amp; this is good and sexy and as it shold be as it should be 



sexie sexy 



how sexie how sexy 



ye hav to remembre it is sexie you have to remember it is sexy&nbsp;



 ye ar a bagge of wett &amp; betymes ye leke &amp; sooth þe bagge shal forsopie you are a bag of wet &amp; sometimes you leak &amp; soon the bag shall dissolve 



entire &amp; ye shal leke ayen entirely &amp; you will leak again



go bak to þe &#8211; &#8211; &#8211; 



go back to the &#8211; &#8211; &#8211;  



not a solide driften arounde on a liquyd not a solid drifting around on a liquid 



a bagge of wett, a bag of liquid, 



ye you&nbsp;



 tyme moue not for-warde, onli, it ebbe &amp; it floue &amp; it pushe &amp; it hale &amp; it come time doesn’t only move forward, it ebbs &amp; it flows &amp; it pushes &amp; it pulls &amp; it comes &amp; it go &amp; it goes&nbsp; 



 […]&nbsp;



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-image-block alignright"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-scaled.jpg" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-150x150.jpg 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-191x300.jpg 191w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-653x1024.jpg 653w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-503x788.jpg 503w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-646x1013.jpg 646w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-718x1125.jpg 718w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-861x1350.jpg 861w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-1148x1800.jpg 1148w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-1256x1969.jpg 1256w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4edit-1-scaled.jpg 1633w" data-sizes="auto" width="1633" height="2560" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading"> 2.&nbsp;</h2>



 Sandor Ferenczi: For, we reflected, what if the entire intrauterine existence of the higher mammals were only a replica of the type of existence which characterised that aboriginal piscine period, and birth itself nothing but a recapitulation on the part of the individual of the great catastrophe which at the time of the recession of the ocean forced so many animals, and certainly our own animal ancestors, to adapt themselves to a land existence, above all to renounce gill-breathing and provide themselves with organs for the respiration of air?&nbsp;



 holden yoreself in a bagge it is too much, ye saye, i wante to fucke the see &amp; holding yourself in a sac is too much, you say, I want to fuck the sea and forsopie dissolve&nbsp;



 i wante to fucke the see &amp; forsopie I want to fuck the sea and dissolve&nbsp;



 […]&nbsp;



<h2 class="wp-block-heading"> 3.&nbsp;</h2>



 i wante to fucke the see and forsopie I want to fuck the sea and dissolve&nbsp; i wante to be the mist hitten the face of a hyker in the brecon becons / i I want to be the mist hitting the face of a hiker in the brecon beacons / I wante to go doun the urethrill chanell of a gote, &amp; up the xylemm of a wodie want to travel down the urethral channel of a goat, and up the xylem of a woody 



stemme pelargonyum / I longe to be the vernish of muciss on the skin of a stemmed pelargonium / I long to be the sheen of mucus on the skin of a 



slug, the jelly-lyke sak of bakteryal cytoplasum / i wante to find mineself in slug, the jelly-like sac of bacterial cytoplasm / i want to find myself in 



the pittd bordels of the endoplasumec rityculum of a nerue celle, som-where the pitted edges of the endoplasmic reticulum of a nerve cell, somewhere 



along the legg of an instagram influencer / to be part of the nile / to be an along the leg of an instagram influencer / to be part of the nile / to be an 



egge, boilen in a pote of bobelen me / i longe to be the snou totrodden egg, boiled in a pot of bubbling me / I long to be the snow trodden 



under-fote on mount kita / to be caustik, vapouring bobels in the botel of underfoot on Mount Kita / to be the caustic, evaporating bubbles in the bottle of 



mountain dew / this be profounde lustfulnesse, an unendeable orgasum Mountain Dew / this is a profound desire, an unending orgasm&nbsp;&nbsp;



 I treuli longe I truly want&nbsp;



 […]&nbsp;



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-image-block aligncenter"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-scaled.jpg" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-150x150.jpg 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-300x179.jpg 300w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-1024x609.jpg 1024w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-1324x788.jpg 1324w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-1702x1013.jpg 1702w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-1890x1125.jpg 1890w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-2268x1350.jpg 2268w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-3000x1786.jpg 3000w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-3308x1969.jpg 3308w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6edit-1-scaled.jpg 2560w" data-sizes="auto" width="2560" height="1524" alt="" class="lazyload"/><figcaption> </figcaption><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">4.&nbsp;</h2>



 ye entere the watere, &amp; you enter the water &amp; 



 ye unholde yoreself entire you lose yourself entirely 



 yore skin moisteþ, fingeres snarcheþ, the hardend cruste of ded skin on yore your skin becomes moist, fingers pruning, the hardened crust of dead skin on your 



 heels bicomeþ mothe-wok, than softe, a flatt, whyt wen cross the pigmented heels will become a squashy, soft white glaze across the pigmented 



 skein under-neathe skin underneath&nbsp;



 fingere nayles bicomeþ softe &amp; plyant, tresses fannen in euery place, waften finger nails become soft and pliant, hair fanning in every direction, wafting 



 fronds lyke see-wede fronds like seaweed&nbsp;



 sands &amp; saltes absorpt bi þe see, biginne to forwere &amp; waste the cortices of absorbed salts and carried sand particles begin to erode and break down the layers of 



 yore skin: fyrst the epydermes, your skin: first the epidermis,&nbsp;



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-image-block alignleft"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-scaled.jpeg" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-150x150.jpeg 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-127x300.jpeg 127w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-434x1024.jpeg 434w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-334x788.jpeg 334w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-430x1013.jpeg 430w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-477x1125.jpeg 477w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-573x1350.jpeg 573w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-763x1800.jpeg 763w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-835x1969.jpeg 835w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2-scaled.jpeg 1086w" data-sizes="auto" width="1086" height="2560" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



 epythelyall lauirs shivere &amp; flake in moiste epithelial layers gently sloughing off in moist&nbsp;



 shides flakes&nbsp;



 











 the basall lamyna, mor fin then the fin-moste the basal lamina, finer than the finest silke, off-lifteþ in one, floteþ awei from yore bodie lyke diafanys silk, lifts off in one, floats away from your body like a diaphanous 



 ektoplasum, sightful in a moment fore it forsopieþ in the pouning of her ectoplasm, visible only for a second before it disintegrates in the buffer of her 



wawes waves 







 the dermys shal be langer to waste doun, the dermis will take longer to break down, 



 the coars connectyf tissu shal wit-stand the the coarse connective tissue resisting the 



forweren of þe see erosion of the sea 



 The blod vessils, nekid, leke redd wisps in-to her blew – mayhap smal fish The blood vessels, naked, leak red wisps into her blue – perhaps small fish 



shal smelle the nekid blod vessils, &amp; the smal fish acom &amp; shal biginne to will smell the naked blood vessels, &amp; they come to take small 



forbite bites



 blod outburst euer &amp; ai, mor &amp; mor, as smal chunks of flesch are nypped off blood continues to stream out, more and more, as small chunks of flesh are nipped off 



 bi the fish-kin, mor chunks &amp; culpouns of ye flaken in-to þe see wit ech by these fish, particles and hunks of me flaking into the sea with each 



 cheue of there molares bite of their teeth 



 they cheue ye up, thei tak ye awei from her, but no fres: thei shal digeste ye, they chew you up, they take you away from her, but no matter: they will digest you, 



 shite some parts &amp; encorporat other parts in-to their 



 excrete some parts &amp; encorporate other parts into their 



 beinge, &amp; sitthen or soon, thei shal die, &amp; thei too shal liquifie: bi outher wei, being, &amp; sooner or later, they will die, &amp; they too will liquefy, one way or another 



ye shal you will 



sitthen or soon, be part of her sooner or later, be part of her 



 yore flesch-fatt, yellew &amp; thik, a jel-lyk shining yore fat, yellow and thick, a jelly-like sheen 



 that now is yore upper, this shal nat blende in-to her – it shal that is now your upper surface, does not dissolve into her – it 



need the coars graines of sand takes the rough sand particles 



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-image-block alignleft"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-scaled.jpg" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-150x150.jpg 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-226x300.jpg 226w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-772x1024.jpg 772w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-594x788.jpg 594w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-764x1013.jpg 764w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-848x1125.jpg 848w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-1018x1350.jpg 1018w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-1357x1800.jpg 1357w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-1485x1969.jpg 1485w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5edit-scaled.jpg 1930w" data-sizes="auto" width="1930" height="2560" alt="" class="lazyload"/><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>



to forewere yore fatt, to break off your fat, 



 not tremblen chunkes, but in stede as a clottid, not in wobbling chunks, but instead as a clotted, 



 cloudi emulcioun that shal lifte to the cloudy emulsion that rises to the 



topp &amp; sitte as a spume on her wawes surface and sits as a froth atop her waves 



 &amp; finalli, as yore hypodermis falle awei, yore inners ybared and finally, as your hypodermis falls away, your insides are exposed 



 connectif tissus upbreste faste &amp; ye connective tissues break down quickly and you 



 softli softly 



 implode, implode, 



 lyke a plume of clottid redd ink, like a plume of clotted red ink, 



 ylased wit globose flaks of flesch &amp; organals, riddled with lumpen aggregates of flesh and organs, 



 ye scatere, you disperse, 



 bicome part of her, become part of her, 



 wide-wher, de-centred, 



 eueri wher everywhere&nbsp;



<div class="wp-block-www-blocks-image-block"><figure class="is-zoomable"><img data-src="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-scaled.jpg" data-srcset="https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-150x150.jpg 150w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-236x300.jpg 236w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-804x1024.jpg 804w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-619x788.jpg 619w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-796x1013.jpg 796w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-884x1125.jpg 884w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-1060x1350.jpg 1060w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-1414x1800.jpg 1414w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-1546x1969.jpg 1546w, https://admin.ashadecolder.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1-scaled.jpg 2011w" data-sizes="auto" width="2011" height="2560" alt="" class="lazyload"/><figcaption>Illustrations by Rebecca Jagoe</figcaption><button class="zoom m-image" aria-label="View fullscreen"></button></figure></div>

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